If that's a part, then who am I?
When your "best self" turns out to be a protector
The hum of urgency has grown into a roar.
Lately, I've been wrestling with a persistent question: Why am I not moving faster, or further along?
My midlife career relaunch hasn’t been as swift or smooth as I imagined. It’s not just internal pressure. We have two kids in college, and my partner's navigating her own career change. It's go time. There's a steady urgency humming in the background—getting louder by the day—as I start-stop-repeat my way into Jeff 2.0.
This week the anxiety flooded over me, so I sat down to journal. Walk the talk…
What am I afraid of, I scribbled.
I then erased that and tweaked the prompt to help unblend from the mental swirl. What are my parts afraid of?
I expected a jumble. Instead, I found surprising clarity. My parts divided into two distinct lines of thought—two camps. One spoke about fear. The other seemed to be responding to a different question: What are my parts excited may happen?
Both camps were intense. ⛺⛺
On one hand, Camp Careful hates disappointing people. These parts tread lightly and avoid judgment and vulnerability. They want me to fly under the radar. They are afraid of disappointing others, being criticized and shamed, and they hold a scarcity mindset.
Camp Excited felt more alive. These parts are full of ambition and ideas. They imagine success, recognition, impact, prosperity. They want to create. They say: You’re meant for more. Find success. Grow. Earn. Contribute. Be recognized.
I’ve always identified more with Camp Careful. They feel like my people. But I’ve long hoped Camp Excited might be the “real” me—my true and best and highest self—awaiting discovery. The visionary. The one with courage and clarity. The “me” I aspire to be.
I texted my good friend Jen, a fellow IFS practitioner I met in a training:
“Here’s what I wrote in my journal, what do you make of this? Maybe ask me a question.”
She replied with a seemingly simple one:
What do both camps have in common?
Nothing, I scoffed. They’re totally opposed.
I gave it some space and circled back to my journal a few hours later. I stared again at Jen’s question. Then I saw it:
Both have good intentions.
Both want safety.
Both hope to bring ease and shield me from pain.
Both are seeking a better life for me.
And here’s the kicker:
Both are parts.
How did I miss that?
Two camps, not at odds
Both seek safety, joy, and care.
But neither is Self.
IFS teaches that we’re made up of many parts, each with its own voice, agenda, and strategy. At our core is Self: our true essence that leads with calm, curiosity, clarity, compassion, etc. Self is not attached to a particular outcome, whereas parts have an agenda.
The Careful campers are clearly parts. But even Camp Excited is trying to manage something. The drive and vision comes with a side of protection. An agenda. It tries to overpower fear with progress. It measures worth in output. It compares to others. It’s not okay with any outcome. Just because I like what it’s saying doesn’t mean it’s not still a part. Unlike its rival camp, Camp Excited is socially reinforced and celebrated, making it even harder to spot.
If that’s not me… who is?
That’s the question I’m sitting with now. What do I do with this revelation? I haven’t fully unblended from either camp yet. This is fresh. I’m still in it.
But something’s already shifting. I don’t feel like I have to pick a side. I can be with both. I can listen. I can wonder what it might feel like for Self to lead.
In my system, the signal of Self feels like openness. It’s the sense that anything is possible and I can hold space for the full spectrum—fear, ambition, caution, creativity—even if I don’t have answers yet.
That’s where I am today. Not on the other side of a process, just noticing something I didn’t see before that now seems obvious.
And trusting that that’s enough to begin.
When I shared a draft of this with Tammy, she asked: I wonder what Exile are they both protecting? Oof. I don’t know yet—but of course she’s right. That’s the deeper layer, the one I’m just starting to feel into. I’ll keep listening. And I’ll share more as the story unfolds.
Great post, if you pick a side, you're already starting to exile. Yet there is a part that wanted to do this also..!